We are excited to shed more light on our favorite topic and share another perspective on sibling loss. We introduce a guest blogger and friend, Melissa Kroll, who lost her older brother tragically at age 19. She reveals how difficult it is to experience such a great loss at a young age, and how it affects the family dynamic, even 20+ years later.
It’s hard to know where to start with a story like this. It feels like it’s not my story to tell, but in reality, it is...
Losing a sibling is an odd thing to go through. It was catastrophic to our family in so many ways, and today - on the 21st anniversary of his death - I find myself grieving for his loss still, of course, but also for the loss of what could have been.
My older brother, David, died suddenly in a plane crash when he was 19, just five days before Christmas 1995. The instant that phone rang in the middle of the night, the trajectory of our lives, and my family’s relationships with each other, changed forever.
My mom was never quite the same after his death, and now that I am a mother myself, I cannot fault her for that. But I think what many people don’t realize is, when a sibling dies, that is not the only loss that you, as a surviving sibling, have to endure. You also lose your parents - at least temporarily. And when you are 16 and 12 (myself and my younger sister, Sara, respectively), that can be a hard pill to swallow. The people who are supposed to protect and comfort you suddenly aren’t able to do that, because they can’t see beyond their own grief. While I was on the downward slope of my “formative years,” if you will, (or adolescence), Sara was smack dab in the middle of hers. I don’t have to wonder how that affected her - while she is a wonderful, compassionate and hard-working woman, she has been plagued by anxiety and health issues for the last 10-15 years. Thankfully she is stronger than she thinks, and she’s overcome a lot. I, on the other hand, simply turned to those in my life who I could count on for that compassion and support - my circle of friends, friend’s parents, boyfriends, teachers- basically anyone outside my immediate family.
I know our family is not solitary in our grief - bad things happen to good people everyday. But the truth is, when a tragedy like this strikes, nothing is really ever the same. I can’t erase the image of my Dad crumbling to the floor after hanging up the phone, or my Mom running outside to the front lawn and screaming. I also can’t help but wonder, on an almost daily basis, what my family’s relationships would look like if he were still here. Would he and I be close? Would my children have older cousins to play with? Would my Mom be happier and more content? While it is true that we are still close as a family, it is also true that as a surviving sibling, I have often felt like my sister and I aren’t enough.
But as cliche as it sounds, life does goes on, and the best I can do is keep my brother’s memory alive by telling my children about their Uncle whom they will never get a chance to meet.